Havana

Sometimes I wonder if I just get in the way. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason people hang out with me is because I can get money. I have a car now ... it'll be easy to get out of people's way. To be off by myself. I don't really know why I feel so guilty all of a sudden. I feel self-conscious, like maybe everyone just complains about me behind my back. I wish I was stable. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe I should just go somewhere far, far away. But no matter what, I can't get far away from myself. Maybe I am selfish. A child.

I don't know. My thoughts do not make much sense right now.


I'm going to go to a bookstore and read all day.

I'm way too nice sometimes.

roleplay


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Hmmm. I have been getting a lot of headaches lately.

I am in a really irritable and depressive mood today. Maybe it's because that Monster drink kept me up until after three in the A.M. Maybe it's from all the thoughts in my head. Maybe it's because I have a paper due on Wednesday and two tests to pass today.

Mraaahhh, we're all gonna die of stress someday.

Sushi on Saturday was hella fun, we should hang out in a humungous group like that more often!! Don't know why we don't ...

Anyways, this week, I'm gonna go to school EVERY DAY. EVERY DAAAY!! I've been such a slacker and it has NOT been helping my lethargy at all. That's why I had a Monster drink! I wonder if Kevin can get me a shitload for free.

I AM SO HYPEEERRR! BUT I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO!

MAAAAR ARE YOU DONE WITH MY LAYOUT YEEET? ^o^ I sent you an email.

Also, I can play my iPod in the car now! SUPERCOOL!

Post a question for me to answer for each of the topics listed; put up the survery on your journal and I will do the same!


- friends.
- sex.
- music.
- drugs.
- food.
- love.
- sports.
- lj.
- your choice.
- your choice.

I AM ON A BED WITH SHEF! :D

Shef's birthday turned out splendid, I am glad I could make it a good one this year.


Y'know, I wish that it was easier than this. There are few things I really want to be sure of in the future; I feel that spontaneity and randomness gives life its flavor, but I really wish I was sure of .... It. If we're gonna be okay. If It's going to be okay. If I'm going to be okay. I really want to know ... I feel pressed for time and yet I don't; take it slow and easy, right? But is there a way back? Will there be a way back? How can I be sure if It's even there? That It is not just some miscalculation of the mind? Not to say that I don't think It is what it is .. but what if we're both wrong?

Hmmm. So many what-ifs.

Well. It's not like a decision must be made by next week.

Nice and slow,right? Nice and slow.

< /obscurity >

I am mad at myself because I did not study OR go to class yesterday but instead, slept and fooled around ( Not like thaaat, ya pervies! ). Grrrr. I am a malfunctioning Asian.

Aaargh ... I may have to move to a new journal soon ... >_<;; My account is SOOO messed up. I cannot modify my journal, it erases my interests every time I try to add them, and it keeps posting my entries for December 23, 2006!! And most of all, my SISTER'S getting a LJ! AAARGH~ So I will be moving soon. Sorry, guys. ^^; I know that re-adding people can be a hassle ... I will post my new journal when I make it. Actually. Can someone (::cough:: Mar? Sam? KT?) make my journal pretty for meee? ^__^;

Yay! I am updating .. with PHOTOS!



( Onward, men! (21 pics, 320x240) )

Meant to make this Quote of the Day some time ago ... even though ... it's not really a ritual for me .. XD

Quote of the Day
Me: "Ooo, we have the whole house to ourselves ... OMG IRON GIANT IS ON!!!11"
Shef: "DAMN IRON GIANT, STEALING MY POOTIE-TANG!"

I LMAO everytime I remember this. XD

Ah great.

Depression.

Welp, I have decided.

I am going to surrender and ... ::sigh:: Stay home for yet another year.

It's mainly because of money issues, as elaborated in my previous posts and even if I do somehow manage to be able to get a job that will pay me enough to get by somehow, I REALLY do not want to live paycheck to paycheck, getting by by the skin of my teeth, you know? it's soo stressful and my first priority IS school. If I let housing problems preoccupy my mind, how will that affect my grades? Plus, Shef sort of brought into the light the potential emotional consequences of just getting up and moving out, which I stayed up all night worrying about and crying over. I mean, no matter how desparate I AM about living on my own, I don't want to just leave my family behind like that, if not my mom, then certainly my father and siblings. Perhaps Thanh will move in before the next schoolyear starts. I sure hope so. But you know, life is what you make of it and I am going to try not to be miserable. I suppose it could be worse. I just wish that I could stay out later and that my privacy would stop being invaded upon and scrutinized. I want to wear my clubbing dress. ::pout:: Oh well.

After my next year,I will be transferring to GSU since my major is available there and well, then I WILL have to move out, won't I? But until then, I'll just have to ... hang on a bit longer.

The thing that gets me is that I seem to always have to be patient and sometimes, it seems like there is NO trace of light coming from the other side whatsover ... like hope and optimism is pointless and that trying is not even worth it.

Well, I suppose patience is nto always endless. I mean, I did win Shef at the end of my romantic endeavors and he turned out to be a better prize than I could have ever imagined, didn't I?

So maybe it won't be that bad after all.

Complete the sentence.
Bold the question.

1. If there is one thing I can’t stand it's: Jered having my privacy intruded upon.
2. I love it when my friends: and I are all having a good time together.
3. My boyfriend/girlfriend is: my soulmate, no question about it. *^^* He is also working all week! :;dies:: XP
4. My best friend is: Josh, because he's such a sweetheart and he always makes me laugh.
5. I love my family because: they're there for me and also have the tendency to make me laugh. 'Cept my mom.
6. When I first met my best friend: we were laughing at Daniel's expense on a feild trip to the High Art Museum.
7. I’ve never won the game: "Who Has The Biggest Penis." :[

( Read more... )

Y'know, I kinda miss talking to Mar. We should email each other or something, I mean, the only way I ever get to read abotu what's going on in your life is by hacking into Amber's GJ account ( Don't worry, Amber, I never do anything to your journal. :D ) and going to yours. It's not quite fair that you get to read my LJ but I don't get to read yours, ne? ;x We have so much to catch up on. ^^

I've been feeling kinda better. :) Shef and I watched Spirited Away, which is simply amazing. We also had awesome nachos. And we went to a sex shop with Devon and laughed at horrendous, scary porn. And he got wildly belligerent with some rednecks while we were driving, which kinda .... made me panic a bit. ^_^;;

I am stuck here at school until 9:00. I really need to catch up on studying and do my science lab ...

Why do I feel so tiiired?

By the way, Mar, email me at malicablacke@cs.com or comment with your address. ^^

Augh. Two hours of TRYING to find apartments online= exhausting.

It seems pretty dismal, still. I may just stop.

I may not be able to move out after all ...

Meh. It's sort of depressing, really. I wonder why I let myself get optimistic sometimes. It seems to do nothing but let me down sometimes. I really want to move out; I don't think anyone really understands how much I want to move out. I'm tired of living here; I've been so irritable and easily depressive. I feel dismay and lethargy having to be tethered to this place. I want out but it seems hopeless. I WOULD take up on Slash's offer but school is a higher priority than moving out for me ... he lives so far out there. :| I'd move into Tray's and Eric's but how do I just move out without telling my siblings or my dad where the heck I'll be? I doubt they'd let me move to their house ... I mean, I suppose it doesn't matter what they think because I CAN move out ... but I mean, I don't want to abandon my family. And I don't want my dad or my sibs to worry about me so much.

I could just get a dorm ... but I'm afraid of loans. And if I get the Pell Grant, I don't want to spend over half of it on a dorm. Plus, I want roommates who won't mind Shef's presence too much ... I'm sure Craig or even Mercedes won't mind terribly, but it would be nice if we had a place of our own ... or shared a place with another [tolerant] couple. Gaaah, well, we're not sure if our plan hasn't completely fallen through, yet ... but there is little room for hope. Nyeh.

Also, I don't want to live a live where I live from paycheck to paycheck, scraping by rent by the skin of my teeth. I know moving out and living on my own will be difficult but I don't want THAT kind of stress. School causes enough of it and if I'm already sprouting grey hairs ...

Maybe I can ask Kevin about that job .. perhaps he can hook one of us up.

Damn it, I want to move out.

I have an 11:00 class tommorow and I have no way of getting there.

I shouldn't stay up anymore. I never go to sleep happy.

1. name: Havana
2. birthday: July 4
3. place of residence: Georgia
4. what makes you happy: Hanging out with friends and being with Shef. *^^*
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last: The new Naruto ending. LOVES!
6. do you read my lj: Yep! ^^ Well, whenever I get online, anyhow.
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it: It is good because it is yours. It is bad because ... erm ... well, what IS bad about a journal?
8. an interesting fact about you: MY LEGS HURT! :D
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment: Hells yeah! ^_^
10. favourite place to be: In Shef's bed AT SCHOOL I AM A GOOD KID
11. favourite lyric: Hmmm ..
12. best time of the year: Mating season!

RECOMMEND
1. a film: A History of Violence.
2. a book: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
3. a band, a song and an album: I have been so behind on music.

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me: You are hilarious and fun to get giddy with.
2. two things you like about yourself: I like my ability to sympathise and my gifted ass. MODESTY WINS!
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. POST A PICTURE OF SOMETHING:



I am in a weird mood. Maybe from standing six hours straight.

Yep, today was my first day of work and my legs are wicked tired. The manager is the quintessence of bitch but she gets out of my way, so I'll get out of hers. It's only for three weeks so hallejujah. I have my first two classes of the semester at 6:30 tonight: art and philosophy! How Greek! ^_^ I can't wait. I'm determined to EXCELLLL this semester.

Today, Shef came by to drop a little care package for me, how sweet. :D I wanted to take Drawing I this semester but I think that will have to wait until summer. :\

We must move out this summer, home is driving me so crazy. @_@;;; At least this job will tuck away a of money into our savings ...

Over the weekend, I got crazy sick. Threw up five times at 3:00am and threw up the last bits left at 5:00am. That was the worst I've ever felt in my life.

Went to see Brokeback Mountain with Josh today and I thought it was really good. I liked that it wasn't a stereotypical gay guy movie, where there is an obvious butch and femme. The movie was quintessiently male with its quiet, gritty straighforwardness and I liked that. No feminine tendencies, they were just two men who loved each other. The plot was not especially stimulating but it was good.

I started work and man, I hate work. XD I mean, it COULD be worse; I have no room to complain in the prescence of Josh but still. I guess the reality of work finally hit me. My hours are god-awful; I don't think I'm gonna have any time to see anyone or even study. o.o; So after this temp job is done, I'll get Ms. Perry to find me some clients. I'm sure as hell not doing this shit if I can earn a week's amount in a weekend.

Well, Christmas is almost here and I do not have presents for people. Tommorow, I plan to do some serious Christmas rushing for my brother, sister, Dad, and ... -_-; Mom. I guess I should get her something. I do not know exactly why. Shef says that it'll be a good idea.

As of right now, I am going to try to return to my ol' Buddhist ways. I have let myself stray from the path for too long and what has it done for me? I'm ALWAYS stressed out and I have become horrendously selfish. It makes me sick to think about it, though. Ironically, the best Christmas I had was sophomore year, when I was really into Buddhism. Instead of aching for the latest Batman boxset or the cutest plushies or anime merchandise, I will release myself from all these material desires and use that enthusiasm torwards something else, like ::ahem:: schoolwork. ;x I hate feeling like I need everything, only to toss it into a corner of my room later. I miss the times when things in a store were to me, well, things in a store. Stuff to look at unless I had a few dollars to spare and I wanted to treat myself to something cool.

Well, I am home alone right now ... I suspect that my family's gone out to see Memoirs of a Geisha or something. I want to see that soon. :3

I am listening to hip-hop, techno, and anime music on crazy loud with superbass. :D

I have been shuttling back and forth from utmost contentment to downright self-loathing.

I have been trying with every ounce of effort in me to get into the holidays but alas, no prevail. I'm really gonna have to start calling those volunteer places. Winter weighs me down into such lethargy, though. Lately, I feel like I have been doing NOTHING but filling out primitive desires ( Mainly eating and sleeping and ... ahem. ^^; ) and however fun it may be, it leaves the mind to .. fester. x_x;

We need things to do.

I passed all my classes, w00t! Albiet not as spectacularly as one may hope for, I still passed. I am going to do much better next semester, though, especially since The Issue isn't so much of an issue any longer.

Shef and I have been on a moviewatching run lately. King Kong on Sunday, which was a-fucking-mazing, as to be expected from Peter Jackson, Tokyo Godfathers this morning and Aviator this evening. And I saw Narnia with Josh on Saturday and whoah, doggy, The White Witch is fucking awesome. <33 I loves her lots. I've always loved the White Witch though. X3 Never read the books, but I saw a cartoon when I was a kid.

I'm gonna make Shef watch The Little Mermaid with me, yaaay~ I gotta find it first, though. ^^;

I insist that no one buys me gifts this year. I just want to forget about Christmas this year. It's become so horrendously trite to me, which makes me incredibly sad. Plus, my family life has gone to shit. All I'm doing for Xmas is sitting in my room and eating shrimp cocktail with some ginger ale. If anyone's got booze that day, I'll be happy with just a shot or two. Seeing how that's all it takes. XD

I'm gonna still try to volunteer. Maybe that'll help.

I really wish I could still get excited for the holidays like I used to. I really wanted this one to be really great, since I have Shef, but well, life at home has gotten ... unbearably uncomfortable ... -_-;

Meh.

I'm still painting/drawing something for everyone. <3 But please, save your presents for your other friends. This isn't some pity thing, I just would rather you guys not do anything for me this year.